If you know someone who floats through life without ever getting ruffled, they're not lucky...they've mastered a mindset! Marriage and Family Therapist, Kelly Hoffman, MS, stopped by to share how we can do it too!
There are times in all of our lives that we feel dis-empowered, out of control. Some people feel that way once in a while, while others seem to live their lives constantly in that state. Then there is the rare person who never gets ruffled, who seems to float through life without much struggle or opposition. These people aren’t just lucky, they have a specific mindset that enables them to take control of their lives.
To reclaim control of your life:
1. RECLAIM CONTROL OF YOUR EMOTIONS AND YOUR ATTITUDE: In every situation you have control of at least one thing, your attitude, your outlook, your way of being in the world. USE THIS CONTROL.
2. RECLAIM CONTROL OF YOUR PERSPECTIVE: Many times people feel out of control when things don’t happen they way they expected, when people dissapoint them, when hard work doesn’t seem to pay off. People who feel out of control in their own lives give up when things don’t go as expected, and this leads to self fulfilling prophecies: I worked really hard but only got a B, I was expecting an A, whats the point of studying? I have been putting in extra hours at work, but my boss doesn’t notice, why bother? I am working hard on my relationship but my partner/kid isn’t reciprocating, I don’t even want to try. —- Reclaim your perspective means Acknowledging your own hard work, AND acknowledging that there is still further to go. “Ok, I got a B, thats good but not what I wanted, I should get help and keep working hard”. My boss isn’t noticing what i am doing, maybe I need feedback from her, or to ask my coworker who is successful what I might do differently. — Reclaiming control of your perspective is about not allowing setbacks to… set you back! Its about being resilient to adversity.
3. RECLAIM CONTROL OF YOUR ENERGY FOCUS: If its not working, stop pouring energy into it. Sit back assess, take stock, learn, stop doing and just be for a little while.
4. RECLAIM YOUR VISION: Picture yourself responding with control, stop picturing yourself IN CONTROL! Responding with control is the key element to that effortless life resilience you have seen and envied in other people. Envisioning yourself in control is the path to dictatorship that requires effort, and strain and creates drama. Additionally, sometimes all you have energy for is a different vision. I know several people who right now are dealing with health, work, or other situations that literally are draining most of their time, thought and energy. But there is always one minute, one moment that you can claim for yourself, to see yourself handling life. See yourself reclaiming control of your emotions, attitude and perspective, and then watch how things will begin to shift for you.
5. RECLAIM YOUR EMOTIONS: Basically, stop stuffing your feelings. If you are sad, cry, if you are angry, be angry, and then BE DONE. If you are constantly sad or angry, there is something else going on and counseling should be an option for you, there is even a wonderful, highly effective counseling modality called R C counseling, the premise being that you exchange a listening ear and it doesn’t cost anything, it can be done over the phone. The Tao Te Ching says “let your emotions be like the weather, allow the storm to flow through you, and allow it to leave”.
We only get a few years in this world to live and be happy and bring joy to others. Don’t waste it with self-imposed prisons. Are some of the things you will experience in this life difficult? Hell yes. Some people go through awful experiences, extreme difficulties. And yet the common denominator for people who survive and thrive is that they totally claim their own life experience.