Accommodating others can take a toll on your daily life. When you 'compromise' or 'negotiate' you are focused on improving your relationship. But when you are consistently accommodating (typically based on no other facts than what's in our own head -then you may suddenly feel annoyed with your significant other. Psychotherapist and life coach Didi Zahariades, MA, joined us to share a few ways to stop being so accommodating and improve your relationships. She says to ask yourself the following questions:
- Is there a lot of Friction or Fighting? The initial act of 'accommodating' may appear to be a way to avoid conflict when in reality it is often the cause. Repeatedly an accommodating relationship will encounter more friction. By accommodating, you may think you are doing the right thing for a person when in reality that person doesn't want, need, or require the action you have provided. Over time the person who is accommodating becomes easily angry and the relationship experiences more friction & fighting.
- Do you Ask Questions? If you want to be accommodating --- to do a kindness or favor --- it is necessary to ASK questions of the other person. You cannot read your partner, friend or family member's mind. This occurs more often in a more established relationship; remember just because you've known the other person for years doesn't qualify you as a mind-reader. You must ASK. As you set up new relationships, being the "easy" and "accommodating" one may also transfer into the boring person without an opinion or interests.
- What happens at the Start of a conversation? Or Argument? As you consider a difficult relationship or an argument with a friend / significant other, back track to the beginning of the conversation. How did this conversation transcend into an argument or fight? It often began by one -or two - of the individuals 'accommodating' the other when in reality it wasn't what either of them wanted! Slow down, pause and re-direct this conversation.
- Do you openly Talk about what you want? If you want to be more important in your relationship & create better relationships, then you must TALK about what you want and need. No matter how romantic, cool or special it may appear to have someone who can anticipate your needs & is able to read your mind; it isn't possible. You must spend time talking about your own needs. We teach others how to treat us. You must communicate your needs and be specific about what you want from the other person.
For more helpful advice, head to Didi's website.