Are dating apps stacked against women over 50? Dating Expert Kelly Hoffman says they are, but there are ways around that. She joined us to share her helpful tips.
In working with women over 50 for the past decade and seeing their experiences in dating and on dating apps, I can say unequivocally that dating apps are not set up to serve women over 50 well. At least not as well as younger people or men their age.
Dating apps by their very nature are overwhelming, they are easy for scammers to infiltrate, there is filter for men who present one way but who are really another way in real life. Additionally, many men want to date younger women, while most women do not want to date a partner who is older and has a shorter life expectancy already.
That said it also doesn’t matter. It’s just a tool. It is a very imperfect tool, so you have to learn ways to handle the tool so the tool doesn’t hurt you.
I asked some of my clients what they hate the most about dating apps, they said this:
- introducing yourself over and over
- how much energy it takes just to get to the first date
- how they feel like they are in some kind of contest, trying to get men to “like” them
- seeing the numbers against them
- feeling like they might need to settle because there aren’t any interesting/good men on the app
Here’s what I coach them to do:
Goodwill Conveyor Belt Analogy - Priceless Treasure - you need to hunt it
There are tools to keep your hands from getting messy.
You need to get an IRON CLAD mindset. I am looking/interviewing men (women) for the privilege of being my best friend, lover, companion. I will have to do a search, just like companies or non-profits do a search to get a perfect fit for a CEO. YOU are the search committee for the most important position in your life. You get that mindset, and you follow this protocol:
1.You don’t over commit - you interview more than one candidate at a time
2.Your short list of must have qualities is your guide, not chemistry. Chemistry comes when someone delivers on friendship, laughter, and an I’ve got your back attitude.
3.You look at their resume
4.Know what to watch out for: love bombers, avoidants, anxiously attached, insecure, instability. KNOW what this looks like. KNOW how to spot it.
5.The sheer volume will overwhelm you, you have to give up some social norms.
- don’t reply to everyone
- don’t give the benefit of the doubt
- don’t make excuses and/or stories to make behavior make sense
- Set time limits on the app.
- Set up an account google email and phone JUST for dating. Do not let it overwhelm you.
- Dial in your mindset, MAKE IT FUN! - Life is beautiful.