Do you do backbends to please others? Everyone wants to feel safe, loved, and accepted and many think the best way to do this is to put aside their own needs in order to prioritize someone else’s feelings. This will work for awhile, and there’s less outer conflict, but inner upset grows over time and people pleasers often end up feeling guilty and resentful. Confidence Coach Laure Redmond joined us to share ways to curb your people pleasing tendencies:
- Be Aware of Your High Sensitivity Most people pleasers are more sensitive to other peoples needs and emotions. Because of this, it can be harder to say NO when imagining the other person’s disappointment or upset. A healthier approach is to focus on your own internal compass. The clues and messages you receive from your body will give you the best information, not someone else’s needs.
- Do Not Turn Your Mind Into a Battlefield Ask yourself what “yes” feels like in your body? Ask yourself what “no” feels like in your body? Perhaps you feel called to say yes, but only under certain conditions. Example: “Yes, I can work those extra shifts, but only if there will be an increase in my pay.” Find a verbal negotiation that matches your authentic truth.
- Being “Nice” is About Approval Take notice if you feel more valued by other peoples’ approval, feelings, or behavior over your own. This type of self-betrayal grows from the feeling of not-being-good-enough. People pleasing takes the focus off of you and puts it on another person, which keeps you from being seen.
- Practice Saying Your Truth Instead of suppressing your feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable; practice small and say what is true for you. This can be as simple as ordering a meal that meets your specific needs, or turning down a social engagement to stay home and relax.
- Self Esteem Tools In order to build your self confidence: choose a positive attitude (just as easy as a negative one); be assertive (feelings, opinions, beliefs) instead of aggressive (angry, defensive, passive); exercise regularly; eat well-balanced meals; become time efficient; set limits with requests that create excessive stress; get enough rest
- You Teach People How To Treat You A very HELPFUL question to ask: “What am I doing to elicit this person’s behavior or to allow it to continue?” Even if you believe you aren’t doing a thing, your inaction is speaking for you. Relationships are mutually defined, and the give-and-take never ends.
You can listen to Laure on "Feel Good Naked Radio." For more helpful information, visit Laure's website. She's also available for private coaching for individuals or groups.